A Dirty/Passionate/Pissed-off/Hopeless/Tender Love Letter to a Relationship.

A one-of-a-kind exploration- from first drinks to car fights to moving ins to please don’t leaves- TWO(A.M.) consists of dynamic pieces by a dozen artists that follow the trajectory of a romantic relationship, blending talents to create an original work that begs the question, “why do we do this, anyway?”

Directed by Negin Singh. Assistant directed by Bethany Esfandiari and Jack De Sena. Stage managed by Leigh Zeichick.

Featuring pieces by Jaime Richter, Negin Singh, Jack De Sena, Bethany Esfandiari, Laura Cheek, Kit Steinkellner, Anna Schumacher, Sebastian Kadlecik, Stephen Perlstein, Thomas Meston, Wes Gabrillo, and Noah Silverstein.

Gallery and Reception at 7:15 each night! showing art by:
Janna Jude Brown, Peter Berube, Miles Marsico, Amanda Wallace, Jimbo Jones, Shelby Mallone, Marie Costello, Jesse Costello and MORE!

Live music performances by:
June 11th: Casey Hurt and BJ Allman
June 12th: The Black Noise
June 18th: Brother Brother
June 19th: Reider's going away party crew!

In Collaboration with Andrew Pearson, Chad Kenney, Sarah Ojeda Kimbrough, Valentina Mitzkat and several LA visual artists.

Your Love Letters

The following love letters, submitted anonymously by members of the cARTel community like you, will be used to inspire visual art at the TWO(A.M.) reception. Want to submit your love letters, anonymously? You should. Do it.


Submitted May 25:

I miss you with a vengeance.

<33

Submitted May 25:

i think back to a time when you were just a nameless goddess descending stairs. you were a face, a body, a name i needed. God how i wanted you. I thought you would never have me. I was tall, dark, and nervous. Your eyes dipped in the warmth you poured in my lonely body. Scent of longing filled my nose, and then my lips. To hear you giggle, the last sound i hope i ever hear. Your soft movement, your delicate pause, then your lips. This still lives in me. The weekly moments i wait to once more grasp your every Goddamn essence. I love you, hameesheh. Forever, Forever, Forever. Be in my soothing breth, remember my desire, for your angelic voice and "only in the movies" body. i will try but never find the words.

Submitted May 25:

merry christmas, from the one who loves you more than he loves his words. from the one who needs you more than anything. if ever you questioned how much i see that you do for me or wondered if i was watching while you connected- silently and without question- to me, know that i was always watching. i was always listening. i breathed you in and smelled you like jasmine-tinged oxygen. And you are the sweetest candy in an endless factory of delights.

Submitted May 25:

GO OUT WITH DANESH.

You're truly,
GOD

(left on my windowshield.)

Submitted May 25:

I called you, but ended up getting your voicemail. I didn't want to leave you a voicemail about this stuff because I'm still not entirely certain I've got all my thoughts organized enough for that. At least with email, I can try to compile my thoughts into something potentially understandable to another human being.

Basically, I've had some time to think and gather my thoughts. I've been going a little crazy for the last few hours with doubts and questions and other thoughts, and I felt the need to express some of them to you, hopefully to clear some things up for me.

As I said before, I am fine putting my romantic feelings for you behind me if I absolutely must. I've had a lot of practice putting those sorts of feelings aside because some guy or another wasn't interested in having that kind of relationship with me. Some of those instances have turned into truly beautiful friendships.

Here's the thing: my mind has been poring over the last month again and again, and some things just don't make sense to me: The open flirtation we've been each putting out there for each other, the kissing (obviously), things you said, such as the time you told me (after we kissed at your place) that you had been wanting it to happen for the last year, the fact that you put my birthday in your planner. All those things tell me that, though you may not be ready for a "relationship," you must have some sort of romantic interest in me.

The other issue is that our conversation today revolved a lot around guilt you've been feeling. You are entitled to your guilt, though I feel you sometimes feel unnecessary guilt for things that aren't your fault, or things that aren't even necessarily bad (from what I can tell). I just need to know if you're putting a stop to any potential romantic stuff between us for your sake or mine. If it's for my sake, while it's a noble gesture, I really don't think it's fair. I understand that you come with baggage, but I think I have proven to you through my patience that I'm willing to take things slowly and help you work through things if you let me. If you're shutting me out of that part of your life in order to spare me, I appreciate the consideration, but I'm a big boy. I am telling you now that I'm strong enough to deal with whatever baggage you throw on me. If you ask yourself what you want, putting any guilt issues aside, and you genuinely don't want to be with me romantically, then I will put my romantic feelings aside and be your friend. I just need you to tell me that it's definitely what you want, and it's not because I "deserve better."

I told you that I'm interested in a relationship with you, but that doesn't have to mean that I want a crazy scary commitment this second, or even ever. I think two people can be in a relationship without being EVERYTHING to one another. You told me before that sometimes you just need to be alone, and that's why you sometimes don't want to hang out. I'm fine continuing on like that. If you'll forgive me for being sappy or dramatic, what I want is to be able to kiss you and hold you, tell you that you're special to me, and help you through whatever shit you're trying to get through. I want to do couply things like going on dates, holding hands, and understanding that we both care about each other romantically. You don't have to do sweet things like playing my lessons for free and whatnot if it makes you uncomfortable, and I'm certainly not saying we need to be an inseparable married couple.

If what you genuinely want is to just be friends, then I can do that. You can still talk to me about baggage and other issues, and I will absolutely be there for you as a friend.

I hope you'll forgive me if any of this is insensitive to what you're going through. I don't mean to attack you in any way. I really have grown to care about you a lot, and I don't want to have to let go of the prospect of having you as my romantic interest if I don't absolutely have to. You are too special to me for me to put my feelings aside without being absolutely sure.

Submitted May 25:

i love you.

you are the most gorgeous, kind-hearted, beautifully glowing man i have ever met in my entire life. you have made my life about six thousand times better. i grow with you and am inspired by you every single day. you are an artist, and i cant wait to see you really shine the way i know you do when we're just laying down. you are everything. you are me.

love love love love
forever forever forever
marry me.

Submitted May 25:

Please don't leave me.
Please love me forever.
Please know that I would do anything for you, and have been giving everything I have for you, and will continue to do so because of my deep, unrelenting love for you sweet heart.
My love my attention my passion my body my mind my soul my heart my possesions my energy my everything is yours.
Go everywhere and no where with me and at both places share your bursting, unrestrainable desire and urge and I will shine it back to you in beams of warmth like the sun through a window on a patch of lucky carpet.
Please know that I need you...
Please know that all I want is to hold you at all times and to talk with you and hear your voice your angelic voice that calms and sooths my restless soul and fluttering nervous heart.
You are my life, You will be my life.
You are all I want. You are my life partner.
You are my wife.

Submitted May 25:

I hate hurting your day. I love you, trust me.

Submitted May 25:

Dearest.

Hey. I love you more today than yesterday. but not as much, as tomorrow.

i didn't write that song. but i mean that song.

keep this in your inbox for bad days. someone in the world loves you so, so, so much in this moment. my heart is yours, because you deserve it. and you're fucking talented.

let it be known, world.

Submitted May 25:

Dear Melody,

There have Been numerous times at every hour of every day that I've just wanted to say you have severally fucked me up!  My whole life I have never had a steady girlfriend, I am very introverted and have such a hard time asking girls my own age out!  It was even more difficult when I got to college Because a relationship was always aBout sex instead of something more meaningful.  When I got out of college a virgin, and still no girlfriend I continued my search for someone who cared.

I seriously thought girls my own age just didn't like me because they would high tail it after 1 or 2 dates.  Perhaps I came onto strong with them, I'll never know.  So I started thinking to myself maybe the solution to my problem was to date an older woman, a cougar.  Older women in their late 30's to late 50's just kept throwing themselves at me at the time I was 29.  I didn't want to be a 30 year old virgin and continue to feel more socially awkward then I already did.

We met one rainy afternoon, you were 47 at the time, to me you looked to be my age.  This didn't Bother me at first, Because you took an interest in me and invited me for a drink after work.  You opened up to me and I opened up to you, I felt comfortable and desired by you.

I am an artist with holes in his pockets and you were okay with that.  I was starting to make a name for myself and you wanted to help, you Boosted my ego in a way, we were developing an inspirational relationship.  We started drawing each other, then I had sex with you.  After that I wasn't afraid, I felt like I could Be part of another level of society that was foreign to me Before, I thanked you.

Then we met Steve together one afternoon.  Our relationship changed after that Because you moved to his area, you started spending more time with him Behind closed doors.  You worked with him.  When we went to his Birthday you stood in the corner apart from me just staring at him, not wanting to talk to anyone or even allowing me to hold you.  We Began drifting apart, you had an affair with him and once you told me I had to Break up with you.

You used me Melody to create a sense of Belonging that you never had in my community.  You Broke up Steve's marriage to further promote your own name and that you Belonged in my community.  People get involved in their communities not By servicing eligible men.

After Steve you moved on Because oBviously an inspiring artist isn't enough to have, neither is a gallery owner like Steve, you set your sights on a well established artist and college professor, Tom.  Now that it's Been two years since we were together I feel like you've degarded me Back to Being an artist with holes in his pockets again.  More older women throw themselves at me But I can't kiss them, I can't have sexual relations with them, it's difficult to even hug them!  It's released a pheremone that keeps me from asking girls my own age out again Because I only know one thing, and that was you and your way.  Girls still won't go out with me, not for very long anyway.  Every time I see you laughing at artwalks and functions with Tom, it just constantly reminds of two things I might never have, 1.) a girlfriend and 2.) True Love.

I hate you for this misery, I further hate myself for giving so much invisible power!  However, there are several things that keep me going, I am Becoming a more established artist, I get more commissions, I get invited to a lot more gallery shows, I am gainfully employed in that art colony, and I have a date this Sunday with a Beautiful girl.  I have found the strength in myself to succeed, at least I don't need to jump from relationship to relationship as you have to feel successful.  I'll keep dating until I find true love, it's for millions of people so far.

~M

Submitted May 25:

Click

He knew in that moment that it was ending and he felt the first twinge of truly moving on.

He had covered the clockwork of his heart with thick black fear in the hope that stopping it from ticking would somehow stop time and keep her from leaving but all this had done was to trap the love that he had, so truly, wished to express.

Click

He could see the sadness in her face that welled up in response to his frozen heart.

Click Click

He wanted to pull it from his chest and hold it out in the rain, let the tar fall into the gutter and speak cleanly in a way that would leave her warm and secure.

Click Click Click

… but he knew his mess could not be so quickly reversed and to try would risk losing, not only his love, but his friend as well.

Click Click

He knew she was not the cause of his pain but what he had just realized was that she was not the cure either. She could not wipe away the mire of his heart not should she try but what she could do and had already done was far more important. She had inspired his heart to fight for itself. She had breathed into it a new life and now had no choice but to step back and let it fend for its self.

Click Click Click

These few pangs were sharp and loud. They shot through his hands and beat on his chest. They stuck in his throat and pulsed against his eyes. They rang against the base of his brain and echoed out of his mouth sounding like words.

“I love you”

These shrill and unsteady percussions were the precursor to something greater; The trill that flows from some and resonates in others, … the song that we all want to sing but rarely know the words for, … the happy hum of a healthy heart, … … but for now they were just clicks.

“and ...” Click... “yeah” ... Click

There was no more to be said. The new sounds that rattled through his head could not form words because their meaning was only for him.

Submitted May 25:

At night energy made flesh
you are movement and light
Impossible to contain
You are afire from within
Your path ablaze with passion and drive
You draw the eyes
And hold them
Captured and enraptured
Begging you to stop
For just a moment
Long enought to be held
And touched
Long enough to catch our breath
And I am stillness
Laughing at your clowning
Waiting for the moment
For the sun to fade
The others to sleep
For our time to whisper truths
Which need the night
To be within
Without thought or questions
A way to stop our minds
To still the ever driving need
So we can sleep
Together and apart
It's our dreams that make us whole

Submitted May 25:

I saw something today that put its fingers in the wound that is you and tore me wide open.

As the blood that is my love that gathered beneath the scar poured out through the gaping chasm of my past I bled from two places, my heart and my eyes.

Pulling at my hair, gritting my teeth, screaming into a pillow to preserve the peace of this building while being swept into a torrent of ache and death and despair filled hope.

Screaming in my pillow and my mind, no arms to hold me, no love to shelter me, no silence between my breaths, no calm, no eye, just storm.

Your breathe upon my thumb on a Monday night now spins a tornado in my stomach where “I love you”s and “Wish you were here”s tear at the lining and silent slow dances bend back the nails on my toes, the past rips the air from my lungs into the vacuum of the memory of your face, smiling, laughing, beaming while I kissed it awaiting the change of a traffic light. The only light is from the sparks in the maelstrom of the metal remains of stagnant, hanging wrongs, like so many wind chimes, blowing their accusations and ringing their blame, howling off of their strings and down into the abyss of regret that is looking into the past, clanging and sparking off the walls of doubt that is wondering about the future.

There’s no choice but to make the same mistake, breathe me, and try my hardest to continue keepin’ it real. Falling slowly down the face of confusion like a thing possessed I can’t keep from thinking I’m yours.

The gale winds of your scent fill this place that you’ve never been to and never will be as I still, like the blind fool recounting what it was to see, retrace in my minds eye the outline of your flesh while city lights creeped in through every sliver of opportunity to gaze, like me, upon you sleeping. Recounting every action, every choice, every decision, every single dumb thing and it all comes back to you… my Lascivious Something.

Submitted May 25:

Badoodle,

Well... I officially miss you way too much. It is so hard being away from the love of my life, and I guess it's good that I REALLY know that now. At the same time, I really loathe being away from you for so long. You are the most important person to me in this whole world and I know that fate, God, whatever it may be lead me to you and brought you into my life to bring me peace, contentment and safety. You make my life worth while and make me want to achieve everything I set out to do... I finally believe in myself since I met you. I hope that I bring the same light into your life because all I want to do is make this world as beautiful and amazing as it can be for the most beautiful person in it. You are my destiny and every tiny wish for love or success I have ever made. Earlier this year I said I wouldn't be happy unless I was ultra-successful in the business, but I have realized that this success in life was already achieved the moment you decided to love me. I could never ask for anything greater than making you my partner in this world, and everything else will just be icing on that cake. Thank you, for everything you do.

I love you more each second, of every day, until forever,

Yours...

Submitted May 25:

the shallow part of me wanted it to happen for purely aesthetic reasons: we looked good together and we already agreed on every aspect of personal taste. we were too cool for each other.

Submitted May 25:

Dear _____,
I love you, baby,
I love you, honey,
I love you, sweetie,
I love you, sugar,
will you marry me,
babycake,
I love you so.

Yours Truly,
Mr. Supercooldude

(anonymous postcard)

Submitted May 26:

I've been into Boston a few times for dinner and a play with my family and it made me a little sad you never got to show me the places you like to go. It's a city I wish I'd gotten to know better and it's only occurring to me now to feel like I've missed out on something. I'm doing that thing though where when I drive past a beautiful house at night and all the lights are on I take a peek in while I'm passing. I imagine that life living there must be impossibly safe and rewarding, but of course, the only thing different about my life living somewhere else would be the scenery. I do miss you though. I knew this was all going to end up this way, but I have to say I'm impressed at how soft the landing has been.

Submitted May 26:

I will always make mistakes. Please forgive me. I love you very much!

Love,
Mommy

Submitted May 26:

Dear _____,

Hi! How's it goin? Well I'm really glad we are going out. I really enjoy your company. I had so much fun at Disneyland. This summer I'll be gone a month and I'll miss you terribly. I am going to my mother's house in Oregon. I get to see my sister Shana. She is 10 and I can't wait to see her again. Well I hope you will still go out with me when I go because I love you a lot. And I'm not just saying it! Well I better go.

Love,
______

P.S. Write Back

Submitted May 26:

How's it going? We're talking about "the girl wearing the red hat is beautiful" It's so dumb. Are you wearing a red hat because she must be talking about you. It's kind of weird that Dani is so attached to her mom when she's a freshman in highschool. I guess it's all right now but she is going to have to grow up before she goes to college. How are you enjoying having brothers and a new house? It's kind of weird huh? I'm sitting here eating popcorn, ignoring the teacher and thinking about you. I do feel the same way about you. I've never fell in love with somebody like this before. I hope I can go with you and Dana and play with your hair and look into your eyes. Maybe I can if I really kiss up to my dad. And I'm not a FRESHMAN!! I'm older than you and I'll be 16 when I'm a freshman and not a junior. I can't wait until lunch when I get to see you and hold you again. Maybe Steven and Sean got the message and they'll leave us alone. I know you don't want to hurt them but if they keep flirting with you I'm going to have to tell them to leave. In a nice way of course. I hope they get the message and I don't have to do that. But it's my boyfriendly duty. This sucks, right before I saw you, I found out that I'm getting an F in English. Can you believe it? I feel so horrible. My parents are going to kick my 8?@ (I almost said a naughty word). Now I'm definitely not going anywhere tonight. Probably not for the rest of my life! This sucks! Some of my F isn't my fault. She said I didn't take 2 tests when I know I did. I'm also missing all the vocab assignments when I didn't even have the book to do the assignments. I just got the book before winter break. But the rest is my fault. Woops. I haven't said I love you in a while. I love you soooo much. I get to see you in 5 minutes. Alright! Well gotta go! Lunch time.

All my love,
__________

Submitted May 26:

i love you as much as a peanut jar

Submitted May 26:

Dear X,

I've been thinking a lot about growing up and what it means to have loved and lost. Nearing a decade since we were last friends.

I remember a valentines day I stood in the rain with arms full of roses waiting for a truck to turn the corner. I remember laying in the grass, a gold pen, wine stained lips, dancing in the dark, and laying beneath an old window for what seems years but was simply a fleeting months. And I remember the tears and embarrassment and short calls. My father's death and desire to share it. The late nights in a desert city unsure why I ever left the east.

Years later I would be drunk and a gay boy would tell me of how you cheated on me and never cared. And only now today as I reflect on the greatness of the love I felt do I suddenly inexplicably care. And I feel hurt or maybe even betrayed.

Perhaps it's meant to give closure, maybe he lied. Perhaps I have already found new love and this letter will only serve something selfish in me and fall on the deaf ears of your new self. And often I wish it was true as it would make all truths the same.

We are certainly very different people now, only shadows of our past selves, but I am forever enchanted and grateful for what we once were. Young. Wishing you well.

Thank you for being my first true love.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Love,

xx

Submitted May 27:

dear boy with the wandering left hand that found mine on the kitchen counter much too late at night,

you're the one i won't get to actually have.

you're the one who, three times, four times later, i realized was more than just skin and bones and sexy places where hips meet torsos.

you're the one who i didn't expect to stay and make me breakfast, and whose scrambled eggs were made exactly how i don't like them, but I didn't care.

you're the one who made me 16 again, up and on the phone talking about almost nothing.

you're the one who sometimes just wanted to sleep.

you're the one whose life can't yet slow down for me.

you're the one for whom my life can't yet slow down either.

you're the one who has lodged this warm, warm feeling of well-wishing deep inside of me.

you're the one who i didn't expect, boy with the wandering left hand that found mine on the kitchen counter much too late at night.

Submitted May 27:

it feels like you are making no effort to see me
or talk to me
or be my friend.
i hope im being rash.
i hope you are really busy
and just have too much to do
or something like that.
you needed me ....
and thats what i needed.
you drew me in
and then i got dropped off
and let go.
i dont know what happened.
which makes it worse.
all you say about it is i dont know.
i dont know.
i dont know.
i know you dont know.
i dont care that you dont know.
i like you anyways.
i wish you didnt have to know.
we were so close.
now were so far apart.
its such a shame.
whatever we were
we were damn good at it.

Submitted May 29:

Fuck you.

we were best friends. we talked about life, love, our faith; not only in God or ourselves but in eachother. we were there to build eachother up and guard one another from any one or any thing that could break us down. life was always great with you, it felt as though nothing could go wrong. you were my happiness. you were my crisp autumn leaves and my old faded library book. you gave me comfort and a sense of calming relief, just as those other things had done to me. then you ruined that.

we talked for hours on end just like any other night and then it happened. you grabbed me and kissed me. you held me tight and i no longer felt like your best friend. i felt like your lover. i wanted to keep kissing you until the sun came out but we parted ways. we parted ways and we stayed that way. i become your secret, your happenstance whim that you look back and repress.

Fuck you.

we were best friends. you made me your secret.

Submitted June 5:

close up heartache.
far away breaths.
dream my love.
feel my love.
need my love.
heal my heartache.
want me need me love me.
my love.

Submitted June 5:

When did apathy become a pastime?
When did I allow you in my life?
Why is it when you’re near me I can’t breathe well?
Why do all my truths choke out as lies?

Why does my presence burn you like an ember?
Why do my love songs make you so irate?
Why do you pull so tightly on my bridle?
Am I the only one you can’t equivocate?

Why is it I lay wounded and think of you?
Have you taught me to think you’re a medicine?
Why is it when I drink you I’m sedated?
Was this the hook you used to reel me in?

I can't figure how you could have pulled this off, dear
But of this one thing I am truly sure
I’ve drunk too much for one stomach handle
And suffered for you more than I can endure

So tonight will be the last time that I lie here
Knowing all too well what you intend
Your body floods my urges, senses, needs dear
But of this gorging, I must make an end

I’ll fight fire with fire, and then, what’s more
I’d fight love with love…...if love was worth fighting for.